You’ve been forewarned! This blog post is going to get really personal, and refer to some of my personal struggles. I believe that by letting these out in the open, people I meet and would like to be friends with will get a bit more insight on who I am deep inside. I often struggle with thoughts of not being able to bring much to the table, and who knows how long I’ve been harboring these insecurities? Due to these feelings, I’ve been nursing a deep wound, which has led me to become angry. I’m usually good at keeping my anger in, but lately it’s been finding a lot of opportunities to seep out. I’m realizing now that I should deal with it from the root, if I want to fully experience life, as well as the freeing emotions of love and pure happiness. This is why I’ve decided to write a letter to my angry self, as a start to self-compassion.
You’re always doing things out of anger, aren’t you?
Always taking on challenges you never really wanted to do in the first place – or that you aren’t meant for – why? Because you want to prove something?
You never really had to prove yourself to anyone in the first place.
You’re angry because you can’t stand the thought of anyone being better than you.
I am sorry I said that. Because I said these scathing words to you, you are probably mad now. And knowing your tendencies, I am pretty sure you want to strike back at me.
I take it as my fault for being so harsh to you. You deserve all the love in the world. You were angry, so angry. Other people saw you as a demon lashing out at everyone in her path, wishing destruction upon everyone (and everything) who loved her – but whose love she couldn’t see. You were blind, but then again, you were also naïve. You needed someone to take you into their arms and sing to you soothing lullabies and tell you it’s all right. That the world is sometimes cruel, but I’m here for you. It will be all right.
You’ve been crying out loud for so long… you don’t have to do that now. I’m here to listen. I will hear you out – all your hopes and fears, your unrealized dreams.
Everything you wanted to be, but felt like you couldn’t. Because you thought you were so weak, and you did not want anyone else to see.
But you are strong. You’re strong to have carried all that deep inside. And to think you’re still alive, still going. Your heart is still beating for all the things that you are passionate about. Your whole world may look gray and drab in your eyes when you’re full of anger and hate, but when you cultivate things with your heart and soul, everything in your surroundings becomes saturated with color.
You are a beautiful person, in all your brokenness.
Let me into your heart and let me love away your anger and resentment – all the bitterness you carry inside.
I am the same as you – no better, no worse. But I love you, and though I don’t need to be loved in return, I hope you know that I love you for every fiber of my heart and being. All I want is for you to accept this love. I hope that it will help heal you and feel whole again.
Know that someone accepts you for who you are, and that you don’t need to do anything to prove that. Just be. Feel what you have to feel.
I hope that before you decide to do anything, you ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” and I hope your answer will be, “Because I want to.”
Not, “I want to, because I can’t lose a competition, and I feel like I’m losing, therefore I am angry. I will prove that I don’t lose, therefore I will do what it takes to win.”
But, “I want to, because deep down I know it’s the best for me – and for everyone around me.”
That’s where the best decisions come from.
Not out of anger. Not out of fear. But out of love and genuine understanding.
I hope that when you’re stressed, you learn to take a moment off and meditate — to ask yourself the questions that will get down to your soul and let you know what your heart means to say.
I hope you find reassurance that life is not a competition; rather, you are here in this world to experience life’s beauty, and to make life beautiful — for the people you love, and especially for yourself.
I hope you find peace of mind, that you may be finally be able to tell yourself: “You are complete as you are.”
I hope you do your part in loving yourself.
The part of you who only wants the best for you.